when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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