Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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