I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
