I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize
