this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
