I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
