i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
