my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
