You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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