Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
