I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
