I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
