ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
