i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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