I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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