Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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