I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
