I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
