my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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