I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
