this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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