Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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