I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
