the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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