im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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