She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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