i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
