I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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