I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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