I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
