I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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