can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
