If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
