the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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