we have pet lesbian snakes
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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