I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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