new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i think my mom watched the whole time
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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