You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
