Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
