I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My cat gives me a boner
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I lost the right to judge tonight
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
