I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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