All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
