I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
