Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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