Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
