how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
