Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
