Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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