the condom got lost in my hair
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
