We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
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I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
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So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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