Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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