I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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