I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize