I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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