Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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