Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
