I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
